From Metamorphosis by Barrett Nash · Volume 2: A Case Study on Consciousness · Book 3: disappeared.
Content note: Volume 2 is an unretouched record of a real life and includes candid accounts of depression, self-harm and suicidal thinking.
Existential Orangutans
[EDITOR’S NOTE: the manuscript version runs six movements that retell, in Barrett’s own words, “the same thing again.” Kept the first movement and the close of the last, which hands off directly to the next piece.]
Oh I wake up And look at the sky Never knowing up down Is this heaven inside Catch me at the back Never really knew Never really lost And And And Can’t we leave this place Never really wanted this Can’t we try something new A prayer answered A prayer never asked Here we are Here we aren’t And And And Prayers always answered Never knowing what to pray for Never Knowing never knowing And I look up And a hint of a smile It aint okay But fuck it Let’s do it anyway Live bright Live strong Fuck right Fuck wrong Stare me in the eyes You can call me a demon You can hate me But I aint I aint I aint The motherfucking devil I aint I aint I aint Nothing but a me And I have love in my heart I have peace buried somewhere Do you hate me for looking? It is the only thing I know how to do The only thing I can try
Let’s go Leave your comfort The going is tough A lot of good soldiers Lost on the way But let’s not fuck around This is life And what we’re talking about Let’s not fuck around Is nirvana And is there any purpose in life To doing anything other than searching Searching for the meaning of life I was a man Then I was a tree Now I am a ray of light
Particle wave
Fucked up More lost than I’ve ever been Pray higher Pray lower Drive the car fast Life only exists When you’re at the point Of losing control Drive fast Drive faster Shut your eyes Pray Dream Fly This reality will fade away What is will be what was And who we are is just Arbitrary No purpose Except the purpose we give ourselves We must be our own light Our own sun Our own source of gravity There is nothing except for who we are And And And Eyes open Eyes open Never stare away Overwhelmed Over flawed Over awed In awe For a moment Until we get back to the hard And very real work Of climbing Again The horizon plane always there And I don’t know if we get closer or farther or the same But I know my purpose Yeah! I know my purpose I know my purpose
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] The rage in the next one was not a metaphor. I threw a chair at a friend’s car. I write “pray” a lot in these pieces; this is the era when I found out what I was praying about.
Accepting
Time to catch the train Catch the train Is it still here The idea was beautiful, If I could just say it as it was As it flew through my mind Lightspeed The meaning of life in a ray of sunshine Has it slipped have I tripped
Never meant to hurt Never meant to hurt anyone Never meant to hurt you Never meant to hurt me But sorry doesn’t take the hurt away Does it? Does it?
Screaming and raging Blood in my eyes Throw a fucking chair Right at my friends car Rage Rage Why why What does it mean that I don’t know? That maybe I’m just broken Short circuit Lightning bolt bridging negative to positive Rage rage A moment when I wasn’t me A moment when I was the real me Is the fucked up me the real me? Or am I always the fucked up guy Animal in my mind And I can’t I can’t I can’t
Take away the pain take away the pain shake away the grey take away take it away away away away
Self medicate or seek help Some person who puts my mind into an agenda item on gcal Thinks they know me, when I don’t even know myself What does help look like? What does asking for help look like?
Self doubting again Again, and again, and again Staring into the mirror And the void stares back at me But it’s just a switch Right at the back of my mind Turn on the lights, turn on the lights It is always a choice Nothing but perception The easiest, easiest, hardest thing in the world I forgot I forgot, for a moment there, that I am magic I don’t have all the magic But I have enough Just enough Just enough
taking a break from work
sketch be’s a be / seein seen down dawn down / flow / row / reap what you sow / slay ray pray day pain bane sane / lost / updownohsidesise / lie / who’s a who’s a who’s / climb to fall / swim to drown / gravity be a pullin / life be a pilin / s’all down down into the ground / what’s the matta / death aint be the strange / it’s the life we’s neva suspected / how’d this tree get an imac / who’d ever asked to see / but here’s we see / here’s we be / just tryin to decipher / what’s it all mean / who’se be a god / if there aint be no clouds / when we’d pray / do we care if the voice is heard / shriek at the night / the thief / stealin the day / that we didn’t know / didn’t know / was to be ours / what’s be next / why think about later / when this here moment / be a slippin / be a something we need / I aint ready for the other / but who ever asked a me? / the walls fall down / just mud and ash / what was the point of all this light / does a super nova feel pain / it’s purpose was to burn / and it burn out out / what’s be the point / what’s be the non point / dirt be dirt / does it gotta be more? / aint it enough / to grow flowers / seeds that become trees / be the buildin blocks of stardust / how dare we’s forget that this be magic / that god has answered prayer / we just look forward instead of back / aint just bein here enough / what would more look like / why’s would we want more’s anyway / you ask the day as it dies / it don’t say I look to tomorrow / it tells you / it tells you / that today was how the day was was / and it be a universe and a type of infinite / a type of madness to want want want / let us flow through our lives / always at past present and future / touch our deaths with one hand / our births with the other / and who we are today / is all there’s be / is all’s we be
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] People ask where the title of these two volumes comes from. Mostly from here. I kept trying to write my way out of being a person and into being something that just grows.
as I become a tree
And He said ‘pray like this’
As I become a tree Fleeing the cannibalism of man, Into the metamorphosis of the oak I will turn off my brain That over evolved tumor Instead I Breathe in The world is perfect Every moment awakening I Breathe out Share nirvana Every moment at peace I believe in my heart My purpose is to add magic to the world May my leaves give protection May my seeds lead to a new generation Saint Pharaoh Superman Buddha Flower May I rise towards the sun Then, with whatever magic there is in me, that vestige of stardust Then, with whatever magic the world has given me, air full of love May I bloom
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] There was a real person on the other side of the next piece. She’s kept out of it everywhere except where the hurt was mine.
There there
be there be there you okay? spend too much of my time in my head sorry sorry I know, I know no more sorrys I don’t mean to be mean to be I don’t mean to be me I don’t didn’t mean to be anything other than the perfect for you
why do I have to be broken in my mind why do I have to be broken why do I have to be weak why do I have to hurt you push push push, push you away it’s our fault it’s my fault I watch you leave nobody blames either of us but, god, does it hurt I don’t blame you, but, you should blame me
I’m trying can you feel that don’t make a difference you’re right to leave this mess there are just better for you let me deal with myself on my own time why waste your life don’t waste your life
been awhile lines on my skin faded you’re at that far away table I see you be happy knowing the thought of me never crosses your mind can’t say it doesn’t hurt maybe I still dream, somewhere but you’re smiling you’re smiling you’re smiling and I’m smiling
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] These next ones I almost didn’t include. The spelling comes apart, then the syntax, and that is the point — this is what that year sounded like from inside. If you are looking for the bottom of this book, it’s here.
fuckingod
[EDITOR’S NOTE: kept the still center and the final movement of a much longer glossolalia sequence; the rest is logged in the report.]
My current plan isn’t working. What does it mean to make a new plan?
brain broket hart empty one last try i don’t get there dunno there aint be an answer there still be a god in this flowa and that smile and that blue blue blue day he’s maybe not give no shit no shit buts we be gods too, right we’d be gods we’d not be betta or worse we’s be ready to worship nots by we’s changin but by we’s bein true strong the reals true strong and say say we’s be ready to love
needles
fall down fall up fall side to side we’re always this new version of ourselves a spinning top fighting all the fighting all the and we all fall down
Abu Ghraib, saints, god, the devil, the motherfucking devil portions of love and hatred and wonder and fear and the motherfucking devil amazing grace, you are, you are wonder rise up and sign rise up and pray needles in my arm needles in my head fly float float away into the clouds, into the wonder leave the devil leave self leave the waking mind for dreams, even if the dreams don’t come when the dreams don’t come woe is warm still can smile can’t you see there is no heart? but where is the heart? who is this vessel? not dead not alive not satan not god not a thing not even empty woe is woe is wonder is god is the devil is home is wonder is wander is fear the fear the night what is nighttime god was in the air but how to touch it
lhsdfkhgksdhgporsghdlfghsioidhgdlhgod;hgj;sore
hurt hurt hurt hurt love what you hurt hurt what you love dive down dive up go below your skin to where god doesn’t touch meaty flesh, just an animal not even a sinner no dreams here what if you could cut yourself without cutting would the blood be blue blue blood royalty call ourselves god there is no truth there just madness no dream there just madness
Om
Hands shaking I say to my hands be still And they keep shaking I say to my mind And my heart Be still And yet
Looking forever for the lightning bolt Oh I pray to see it Oh to illuminate this dark beauty Yet I never look perfectly up Into heaven And see that the lightning bolt is here Forever striking right on my head God is here in the light Just as he is here in the dark And I pray And I pray
The time passes The time is passed Oh float and still be Remember the flavour of the magic And even as it disappears Remember that it is your choice for it to disappear The aether is here Feel it Do not be frightened, father Do not be frightened, child Know that you swim in magic And that it is here, so much As we breathe it, We cannot forget Let the lightning keep striking Let the blue sky be forever over head Let prayer fill your mind Prayer like this I will be neither good nor evil I will be neither past nor present Happy or unhappy All I will be, is be One with eternity An electron floating flying An atom decaying and building And all there is In all this magic Is the choice to look at the sky And remember that it is blue
holi
I remember waking up staring in your eyes when you were already awake and they were brown and didn’t blink and you had exams that day and you didn’t go and now you don’t exist where does that memory come from
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] By day I was becoming a person who could talk anyone into anything — the fast talker with an article for everything. At night I wrote these, trying to catch the train the other one was on.
onon
Let us be us If you aren’t scared of me I won’t be scared of you Can we be each others mirror? Do you want me to say I love you first? Because it’s true, I love you. I love you. I love my mom and dad // blue skys fighting rainy days I love UBC/OLPC/SafeMotos/AlexiaJennN.PeterDesiremybrothers/dreamers I love the idea of loving Is my love less because I love the world more I love you That doesn’t mean you need to say you love me
I want this to end But the truth hasn’t been written I’m still on this train But it’s not going to where I want it to go How do I say that one thing I want to say The words are there there there How do I just say it Let me throw myself off this train And wait for me, I am about to go and be mad and shatter but no matter ignore the clatter here I am for a moment am I soaring tell me it’s not boring where are the words I am in the air for just this second I need to find them I can’t break free any more I can’t keep open this door oh please god I just want more I don’t want what you got in store not afraid of fire, afraid of just just just just just just just just just just just I don’t wanna disappear Fuck that I’m in the hall of my mind for just this second let me try all the doors let me find those things that I’ve stored and clean up This door here, shit, I don’t want to open it. Am I worth being loved? Am I shit, useless, blissless, unmagical? Let me not open that door. I need a hug. Don’t hug me. I need to know who I am. Tell me who I am. No. Don’t even tell me who I am. I think I think I think I think I know what I need I know what to ask, You, who I love Are we the same? Is your mind filled with these devils These SCRATCHED records Madness sadness and hint of gladness Can, can I be less lonely? Are you lonely too? Do you go to dance and wonder why your legs don’t move Do you go to put your arm on someone and, and, it just doesn’t work out Does someone hug you and you recoil, even/even though all you want is to be hugged? Is that you? Maybe, maybe, we don’t have to be alone Maybe, maybe Maybe, maybe The train has stopped, did I ever get on it. I was just running in the rain. Screaming at the big clouds, eclipse at noon on a Saturday. Really more like 11 11:07 I didn’t say what I wanted to say I didn’t say what I wanted to say I didn’t say what I wanted to say I didn’t say what I wanted to say on on ON ON on on we make our own way forwards we have the choice to make our own way forwards
beingme
tryinanddfindinandtryinandlosinbutsallokayevenpeachyasalliknowiswhatidontknowandiembraceitbecausewhatelseistheretodofearitthatwouldbestupidinaccuratemeaninglessohfortheretobeahopethatwasrealisticarealitythatcouldberealarealthatiwouldwantembraceandchaseandloveandnowiknowthosethingsithoughtididn’tknowbutwasjustooscaredortoostupidortoomuchofjustamotherfuckertoreallyknowreallyunderstandreallyembracere allycarereallyfeelreallylovemydownfallismyselfiamthebottleneckiamtheweaknessiamthefearbutisntthatokayevenbeautifulevenatypeoflovelyevenatypeofperfectioncantmyweaknessbemystregthasidontfearwhoimnotandacceptwhoiamandwhoiwasandwhoimbecomingandwhoiamandwhoiamwhychaseperfectionwhenwewillnevergetthereoreverworsewedoanddiscoverjusthowboringitisnonoletmebeflawedletmelovemyflawsletmehowlhowlatthemoonawwooo ooootherearetimesforpeacebutthentherearetimesforwarandmoregetsdoneinwarsoletmymindstayatwarthereisnopaxbarrettthereisonlynashguerreandichoosemywarwitheyesopenevenasasmilebecausewhatiswarexcepttheultimatetestwiththepleasurethatmywarisnotagainstotherpeoplewhoiwouldhurtandhurtisasininthebibleofmyheartnothiswarisonlyagainstmyselfandmyweaknessandmyflawsandimbarenuckledthermonucleartryingtobethebestvers ionofmyselfacknowledingthattheweaponsthatmayletmebeassymetricalaren’tmebeingperfectnoitsmyflawsthemselvesificanjustbehonestwithmyselfjustenoughthenwiththosethingsthatusedtokeepmeupatnighthatingmyselftheywillbethethingsthatletmewinletmewonderletmebethemeiwanttobeandcanbeandamifonlyisayyesyes
updown
when I thought I’d won, I’d lost now I’ve won and it just feels like losing getting to look out over everything so high I see who I was and who I wasn’t get to be above the nightmares and all I wonder and all I wonder isn’t if this here this whatever if it is worth the pain nah I just ask is this really the only place I’ve come to? can’t I go higher
can’t you be true let us come together over come every hurdle have an entire three scene play as we struggle to be together and then at the end we finally meet I catch you in my arms and, like dust, you fall right through them My never knowing If you were just a figment of imagination That fucked up brain praying for water in the desert Making mirages Or if at the last moment I thought I saw no blue eyes but just darkness (or was the darkness the figment) and I let you drop disappearing from you rather than your disappearing from me
I think I have a good heart Does everyone think they have a good heart? Is that enough? There is definitely a room of darkness in my heart Just one ventricle maybe But I don’t hear so many people saying the same I try to not be a bad person Just like I try to not drink, or eat meat, or have sex with the wrong people, or smoke Which is to say I do it poorly What does it mean to be the nightmare? It hurts People look at you sometimes Not all the time But sometimes Like you are the devil What happens if they are right?
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] Two documents of the turn. The first is a night stolen from a hotel holiday, alone with whatever bottle was open and a borrowed pen. The second is the prayer I wrote before starting SafeMotos. I had stopped believing in God years before; I never stopped believing in prayer.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: Barrett — confirm who “they” asleep in the Riu sketch were, or leave unnamed as here.]
Sketch from the Riu Hotel
waking up in the middle of the night grabbing a bottle of tequila it is finished take the vodka still drunk blood slurring from left to right in the pitch black flash a smile pour a glass and praise god pour a glass and praise life open the door, careful, don’t slam it they are asleep let this moment be without them the dark air fills lungs breathe in breathe out freedom go outside to the music all the others like you are in their beds let all these be the others see them smile at you they know who you really are your real brotherhood a moment of love in your heart ahhhh a table and a pen and paper you know the words will be lost you even leave them on the table tomorrows trash but let, for a moment, the words flow praise god praise life praise alcohol praise sin praise the devil praise yourself worship the inadequacy of the words worship the moment then another glass was it rum not vodka was it gin it’s all the same go back to go back to life let the moment disappear never remembered is life different for it having happened
My Prayer (pre-SafeMotos)
thank you my god for this life you have given me may I see beauty, share beauty, live beauty and revel in beauty may I be ever better than myself, mind body and soul my god with your hand on mine on the tiller of my life may we direct me towards the most perfect version of myself to where I can become the most positive and powerful version of myself may I have the strength, passion, dedication, grit and discipline in my heart, may I have the brilliance, genius clarity in my mind, and may I have magic in my hands so that for those people that I love for the entire world for myself I can re-enchant reality and make the world a deeper and more meaningful place I want to take those seeds and saplings of humanity and nurture them so that they can grow, bloom and blossom fighting towards the canopy of enlightenment and nirvana I want to make the world a more level playing field and raise where the playing field is I want to be better than myself better than my weakness better than my strength better than my humanity may I be like a river may I cut, displace and flood the land but may I do it for a higher purpose to follow the natural contours of the land and bring a new form of sustenance to the world
please watch over all of those people that I love may my mother have peace in her heart may she be surrounded by grace, magic and love and may the world be good to her may my father have peace in his heart may he be ever better than himself mind, body and soul and may the world be good to him may you watch over my brothers Reston and Tory may they be becoming who they are meant to be in the world and may the world be good to them today, may I be better than myself and not squander the moment
Sweet Delusions
[EDITOR’S NOTE: the piece opened by quoting the full first verse of Nine Inch Nails’ “Hurt” (Trent Reznor, 1994) — cut to this titled allusion per blueprint rule 5. Shorter fragments of the lyric recur below as the piece’s refrain and are retained; all are logged for Notes & Sources.]
Nice legs, want to fuck
Be wild Throw out convention Be bad Find a bed Fall into wild love Never leave Make each other exist By being one flesh Chase the nightmares away By being one flesh It’s a nice fantasy isn’t it? An empty feeling Focused on the pain, the only thing that’s real Numb What was your name again? Do you know my name? Numb An empty feeling
Strange, that to prick yourself with a pin Have a drop of blood Others are devastated by your pain Yet, if you hate yourself And you smile Others want to be you A prayer for metamorphoses, for transformation To shed our heaviness, our weight, our lead souls To become the lightness of a butterfly We should just be lightness Levitate Float high Past ourselves Care less Be And be and be Accept I don’t know who I am I don’t know who I am But I am trying to love myself I am starting to believe That maybe I am worth being loved
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] Anyone who has tried to start something from nothing will recognize the engine that won’t turn over, and the rock that doesn’t move. I was about to go pick out my rock.
On Heights
[EDITOR’S NOTE: the manuscript carried this piece twice, wholesale and back to back (orig. lines 11766–11891 and 11897–12027), each copy with different typos. Kept once — first copy as base, second copy’s correct spellings adopted; the “Searching for angels…” and “Again, trying to say something” movements are trimmed (quoted in the report). Details there.]
Where is my voice It has disappeared in the middle time in the lost time another paean to the sacrifice of being lost more complaints that amount to nothing us sorry lot, we call ourselves the suffering we are not the pinnacle, and we revolt surely we are special, right what are we if we are not special is it possible to be second best and still special is there a way to make peace with the average let us climb the mountain may we measure it with our eyes prepare to the littlest detail we will conquer this challenge we will be stronger for the experience may we talk and talk and talk maybe you will wake up to call me that yes, we better make sure of this or that. or some other small detail we will have the perfect map then we will arrive at the mountain she will tower above us past heaven and higher our plans were all for nothing the map will not make us succeed all we have is the ability to push ourselves this challenge is not a puzzle it is a test of the soul sometimes, as we stand at the bottom we wonder is it possible to succeed sometimes, we have risen right up to the top we still wonder if it is possible to succeed those brave souls that conquer the challenges that seem so easy talking about from a kitchen table they do not think the challenge is easy they know, more than anyone, that it is beyond them yet: they do it anyway exhaustion rising always, ambition tempered by sleep daydreams falling not by laziness rather, by our best not being enough the rock is too heavy what if we spent a life trying to lift the rock if we were to train every day the only thing in the world was ourselves and the rock and we never move it a hair is that a good life to live at least we tried at something big let the engine start try again, so close try again, so close let the engine start for that wonderful moment of combustion where the liquid nothing turns into flame finally the entire machine is in motion with the ability to go anywhere what before was so much potential now is an actual fact yet the engine is not starting we cannot get it to start the sweet fantasy of going anywhere it is nothing if the engine does not start
Another Attempt To Fly
loneliness is being in a crowded room where no one meets your eye
that wrong lesson learned from Icarus man doomed to fear the power of the sun when the true enemy is frigid reality of all of us who never attempted flight who never knew the slightest hint of the suns warm rays who never rose above the most close objects to see there were vistas worth flying towards things worth being burned over
and here, suddenly, a new emotion the sadness is not that so much life is already lived the sadness is not that death and the end is a shadow in the sky the sadness is that now, we have invested in life we have taken a blank canvas and began to make it beautiful we will never make it perfect that is not the point of life what we will never do is have the blank canvas again every stroke is unrepeatable and oh, each stroke: so beautiful but just the once is it made and the emotion that went into its creation we can feel its heat from the memory of the canvas but never again will we know the fire of its creation
those times that were here! weren’t they just here! just around the last corner surely walking distance I remember the feel of gravel surely some is even stuck still in my shoe how can it be that was another life ago how can it be that I am still so ready to finish the second half of that conversation the words ready to spill from my tongue the image burned in my mind a lifetime ago feeling more vivid than this moment
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] Depression’s dirty secret is how much of it happens on ordinary days that look fine from the outside — bus, coffee, small talk, sky.
Blue
drifting out of place wasn’t there somewhere we were supposed to go wasn’t there something we were dreaming about
big open skys still crowd my tired eyes I remember something different than here here is here is here is here but where was I going to? wake up, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed blinds open there is that blue sky remembering running so fast laughter in every part of me was that ever me was that yesterday or never
another day another day smile at the bus driver thank you sir, thank you walking to work get coffee small talk what is it we are saying what is it I’ve ever said what is priority number one I can’t really remember what was I just saying? I really can’t remember everyone looking at me fuck this fuck what? let me not break free let me gather my thoughts fuck you blue sky get out of my dreams you are not where I am I am not where you are it is not as it is it is not as I remember it is what it is it is all that it is ever going to be head held high
a moment of weakness that shudder of a moment sometimes, we all have moments of doubt there are so many lives we are not living yet, this is all we are. This one life. This and only this. Of course I wish I was someone else Of course, I know that whoever I was I would dream another dream Lying on my back Didn’t go to work today Maybe it’s a holiday Maybe, I just had to be human Children playing over on the grassy field Looking up at that big ol sky Blue and blue and blue So large So large I could fall into it I could dream into it
Who am I again? Who is it I was ever going to be? What’s the difference? Today let me fall into the sky Let me be nothing else Except exactly what I am
[INTERSTITIAL — draft for Barrett’s voice] The last piece is the closest this book comes to a love letter. Kigali years. She knows who she is.
Rwandatimes
two lovelies two characters hands ready to catch a stumble eyes always bumping that look of love that vision of perfection it needs to have no meaning it is not the reality it is not real but let’s fantasize let’s be fantasy
angel darling the one who isn’t for me though in some other life in a different deck of cards where things aren’t so different perhaps just one card off yet the entire pick is deranged is calling you angel darling so fantastic? this idealized wish it is so close, just out of reach of the real maybe even plausibly possible yet to make this specific dream real it must come at the expense of the wonderful present to have the things I dream about it would mean to not have the things I have this life of mine it is perfect
finally, endlessly, may we truly chat one on one mano a mano may I tell you what I think and finally let myself listen to that subtle spirit living forever in my chest that feel deep inside me which will forever be associated with your name i wish that spirit would talk inside me forever i wish the impossible, sadly instead now i will say i will say to you what beauties the world is full of their overwhelming multitude we are not prepared to understand watch life everywhere truly: try, but can one really see? every ever blooming flower so close every flitting smile on some young passing girl whose lovely progenitor never enters your mind. we never understand we do not understand any of this we are swimming through the seas of life just struggling to stay afloat just struggling to do our very best and know, that while I do not know why for awhile while I was here, with you in that time that no longer exists or is at least quickly fading I did not care we were together we were the universe and for a time it was enough life was alive and to say we laughed it may be enough it may have to be enough we will disappear we may never see one another again but we were and to be to truly be is enough